having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
