This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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