he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
