Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
