i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
