you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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