Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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