There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
