No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
