does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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