You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
