he wants to bone in the snuggie
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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