Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
