You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
