My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
