i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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