really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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