about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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