oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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