what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Your penis caused this!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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