the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
