Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
