U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
