If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
