I love black thongs
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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