I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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