I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Randomize
