So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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