y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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