Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
