Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
