8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
