I faked an abortion last night.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize