I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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