OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
