I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
