Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Randomize
