Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
