gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
