and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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