Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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