he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
