so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
