Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
