It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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