Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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