i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
