How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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