I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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