Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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