He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I am one with the molecules
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
