You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
