Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
