things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
