I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
