I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
