Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
