Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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