did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
