my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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