i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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