i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
What a dumb baby whore.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
