this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When are your genitals available?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
