I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
