New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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