The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
