Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
