Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
