You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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